Maddiebean's Xanga

People

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 16:10:32 GMT

People make the world go round. Say hi. Or better yet, pay for the person behind you's coffee at the drivethru, or their McDonalds. Or whatever. Pay it forward, and all that shit. It makes all parties involved feel good about themselves. Doesn't hurt anyone. It's about one of the only activities you can do these days that doesn't hurt anyone.

Have you seen the people around you, recently? Everyone is hurt. Everyone has a wound. Everyone. How do you heal when you're surrounded. I've been trying to figure it out. Any ideas? How do you help someone when you have no good example of what a person who is perfectly whole is supposed to look like. You can't see it anymore, your vision is warped, and you're stuck, on a boat, out a sea, with only the sick and the damned for company. You can't complain, you're wrapped in chains yourself. An interesting dilemma. What can you do?

She Drops In Again

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 02:52:00 GMT

Xanga, it's not just for breakfast anymore.

I'm truly horrible at keeping up with this. Blame Savannah, it keeps me SO busy. Frightentingly busy. Like...SO busy. It's weird. Six weeks until summer break. OH! Have I mentioned summer? I'm going back to Chicago. And hopefully the Second City will be paying for all of my classes :) Also, my cousin who works for Matt Damon and I got in contact. I asked if there were any summer internships he knew of. His response? "I'm in South Arfrica this month. I'll call some people when I get back. Do you have a place to stay in L.A.?"

Weekends

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 15:54:31 GMT

My cat is beautiful. She basks gloriously in the sunlight. Little paws tuckd under, head askew, and the sun highlighting beams across her dark, soft fur. She purrs on an exhale, if she were human it'd be a light snore. But cats are too elegant for such things. She is the sky.

R&G opens tonight. I'm really excited. Sidni and Jianna are coming today. Tomorrow, my parents. And next weekend, Steven, Ashton, Emily, Yarrow, Jake, Lauren....I never dreamed so many would come. It makes me happy. A light in my dark days--for they have been cloudy. Carly still doesn't know whats wrong. Every night before we get in our beds I lay with her and whisper for her to calm down as her body does light spasms against the pain. Some nights its really bad. Some nights--it's pretty managable. One night, she said there was no pain. One night. It's been a month.

Spring break in three weeks. Home to Clemson for ten days :)

And Here You Thought I'd Sunk Into a Depression...

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 15:21:51 GMT

...LADIES AND GENTLEMEN....it's nice outside. It's warm. 70's. I LOVE SAVANNAH.

Disclaimer: Carly is still ill. We're going somewhere new Friday.

Disclaimer to my Disclaimer: But today is not talking about sad things!

This has been an ok week. I don't come by those often so I feel its worth mentioning. Rehearsal is great and I love all of the people I've met. I love the show, I think you all will like it, too, if you feel like coming. It's so great. And so I'm basically living my life off the buzz that I get from theatre in general. :) Happy feelings of getting it all out on stage. And for those of the audience unfamiliar with Hamlet....a couple of us are going to improvise the story of Hamlet for 3-5 minutes before the show...what more could I ask for?

Warm weather = good things. Of this, I am certain. How will I ever make it in Chicago??

Ten Pounds

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 18:07:24 GMT

A month ago I weighed ten more pounds than I do today. I've dropped back into the double digits. Not because I haven't been eating, so please don't start with me. I've been eating more than normal, actually. And healthy things. Meat, potatoes, chicken, rice. Drinking tea and milk more than coke and sprite. So leave me alone on that. My doctor says mono just does it to people. She says usually losing ten pounds during mono is nothing to stress over, except that I was already so small...

On a different page...we have no furniture! Scratch that. This will make the most sense to Jake and Steven, because they've seen the place. But downstairs we have.....my table. THAT'S IT! And upstairs Carly and Dani's room is the same...my room? Has a table in the corner. No beds, no place for wooly to sit. And Wooly is not a happy camper. She's hiding. And I feel like a bad owner. Her old age is giving her constant gunk in her eyes that I have to clean out around every other day. So it makes it look like she's always crying. I feel so bad for her. But we got new dishes and pots/pans. Working on getting a mattress. Until then, its the floor.

Carly's mom is leaving tomorrow. It turns out the cysts are not whats causing Carly the pain, so we're still bouncing around from doctor to doctor trying to find the source of the problem. In the meantime she's on three anti-bacterial medications, two painkillers (one for ulcers), and anti-nausia stuff. We're just keeping her fairly medicated until we can fix her.

Other than that...tomorrow I get to spend editing in the lab. That will actually be good to take my mind off of things.
I will say that the light of my life right now is rehearsal. I do hope that people come see Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, it's going to be really good.

Ovarian Cysts

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 23:57:09 GMT

Is what Carly has. Two of them. We went back to the hospital last night. I was there with Carly from around eleven at night to around six this morning. They gave her pain medicine about an hour after we got there, so she was ok after that. But before. before. Before we left the house. I will never again watch somebody in that much pain. My constitution can't take it. Give me the pain, don't make me watch it. It was horrible. Adrenaline. Rushing to the hospital. Hazard lights. Blinking. And waiting...I hate hospitals. Waiting rooms. And the people....it makes me so uncomfortable. But I got to go back with Carly. Danielle and I both took her, and they only let one of us go back. It wasn't a question. It was going to be me. I switched out with Danielle at two till about three. Then I went back. They CT scanned Carly. Then they said...cysts. They gave her another dose of painkiller, prescribed her one, told her to make a gyno appointment...and at six thirty this morning she was in bed. And I held her there, protecting her. Never again. Too instense. Never again.

I'm glad its cysts. It could have been worse. So much worse. She's been in considerable pain for a week. I was really, really worried.

But its over. Her mom got here today. And as I was picking her up from the airport, my phone rang. Tiffany. "Did you change the locks?!?"
"...No."
"Oh. Ok I got in."
click.

...Apparently Tiffany was in our house. And taking her stuff. And she'll be back tomorrow I suppose to get more of it. It's a confusing mess. I hate it.

Monotony

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 00:32:23 GMT

Well stress can be found anywhere, everywhere, all the time. It seems that my life is not complete unless theres a huge weight on my shoulders, pressing me to the ground. Otherwise I suppose I would just...float away.
Tiffany had it out with us. She's going though...so I guess its resolved. Carly went to the hospital today. She had been sick for a month and not told anybody. She said she didn't think it was a big deal. She's ok, though. So, that's good...

Me, I'm ok too. Just ok. Nothing more or less. Tired. Mono. Stressed. But nothing terrible, I suppose. So, just ok.

Dear Jake

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 17:33:22 GMT

Dear Jake,

I must admit that that upon getting mono I thought I had everyone beat. You showed me up with your cyst.

But now I see your cyst and raise you a case of mild salmonella brought on by recalled peanut butter!

Moral Human Beings...

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 03:42:30 GMT

....Are boring.

Or so says my philosophy professor. "Nobody wants to read about these things," he says in his very Russian accent "there is no...no drama, no emotion, no fantastic excitement in stories of moral people. We like to read the Greek mythology because they are fantastic stories of death and fabulous beings. Nobody in these stories are moral."

Interesting point he makes. Are moral people boring? As an actor, I'd much rather play the villian, the comedic character, anybody but the "straight" character. The one that never changes. The good guy. It's kind of true. But then my professor goes on to say that in Socrates opinion, the idea that exciting characters are more fun than moral characters makes the act of being moral less desirable. Therefore in a perfect, unexisting society, there would be no stories with anything but moral characters in them, so that we could not pick up on foul traits. But I think that despite the stories, we still want to be moral people in our actual, everyday lives. It seems like the right thing to do. For a number of reasons that I won't get into...like the media, religion, the justice system...etc. For whatever governs your morals, I think we as a population enjoy "fantastic stories" as it were, but are clever enough to associate the difference between whats interesting and whats right. Well, most of us. Then theres censorship, which can also be good. I see what Socrates means to some extent. For example, not allowing very young children to watch rated R movies or allow them to play violent video games so that they might not develop such tendancies. Makes sense.

Overall, interesting discussion. I think my best stories that I tell are ones involving me not quite at my best. Unless I'm not the main character of my own story, in which case its about somebody else...not quite at THEIR best. Either way, a good story is made by the character of oddity, poor choices, and above all, bad morals.

I'll leave this with another quote from my professor.
"Good soldiers in Iraq that do good...nobody is paying attention to these things. What the people want to hear about is the Britney Spears and her fantastic stories. They need the excitement not because it is good, but because it makes us talk."

Nothing is Happening....Enter Pirates.

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 02:13:28 GMT

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern....oh, poor blokes. Circles and circles. Around and around, are we in? Or are we out? East or West? And isn't THAT in itself all a matter of perspective? I suppose it is. Heads. Heads. Heads. Never tails. Never tails?

Never.

So, the mono is going better. It's the roids. My aunt is sending me a care package. Isn't that amazing? It's so nice to be cared for by someone. Even if it doesn't really make you better, it heals your spirit. I love my aunt. I do.

I like the blog-o-sphere again. I need to remind myself of my life. I feel like that shouldn't be necesarry. One should lead a life both exciting and simple, one that needs to reminding, for there is no chance of forgetting. But that is not how life is. And, and Guildenstern says it, now you see me, now you...

And then you're gone.